Stuckness, Freezing, and Thawing Out

It is an odd time to be creating this website. In writing it up, I realize how much experience I’ve accumulated over the years, not just the last 12, in which my life took a dive into the religious space, but also before that when my career was about technology. I’ve done a lot. And yet, here I am trying to create this website, and there’s been so much stuckness involved in it. I’m sure it will find its way, because it always does, but yet it surprises me because I really thought it would all come pretty easily.

Sometimes there is just a feeling of stuckness – a freezing, which is apropos given that it’s been like -20 and -10 out for the last few days here in Chicago. It makes sense that I’m frozen on the inside too. I think Shambhala the organization really wounded me. It’s funny because it gave me so much and I have no regrets, but it also wounded me. The amount of racism, othering, sexism, and other isms happening in a Buddhist community is somewhat dumbfounding, but I kept pushing for change and felt like it could really happen. But now I don’t really know anymore. The world just feels so utterly chaotic that I find myself sometimes just shrinking wondering if any of what I do even matters. And that is when I feel stuckness. It’s like a complete freezing of my insides.

I keep practicing my practices, and they are the only thing honestly, that keeps me feeling the possibility of change for the better in our society. The practices remind me of how it can be and how much power I actually have. That I’m not as small as I sometimes think I am. And I think to myself… If I never got any of these practices, where would I possibly be? Maybe dead. Sounds morbid, but I really this that could be true. The amount of strength I find in myself because of these practices surprises me at every single session.

So today I’m back to getting this website going. Because I know I have something to share with the rest of the world and anyone else that might feel frozen.. But doesn’t have the tools to thaw.

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